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I recently came back from a run. It’s surprising to write that statement. I believe it might have been many years since the previous time. However It came to my attention that I have slightly high cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to perform intense workouts frequently.

For the first time ever in my life that my motivation to work out has been my bodily well-being. In my youth, I ran because I wanted to lose weight. I also jogged to alleviate my anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the worry, instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, I ran because I aimed to get better with jogging. This was what it meant to me at that time to develop an improved existence.

Running for a different reason at present sparked reflection about the ways I’ve related with my physical self during my years and its transformation as I progress from early adulthood to midlife. It seems unlikely I’ve honored my body, not fundamentally. I’ve appreciated it solely for its capabilities and the objectives it served me: seeking approval; avoiding feelings; achieving a quicker five kilometers. Until today, I’ve not understood that my body represents me, it is my existence, as opposed to an instrument for achievements.

A great deal has been discussed for ages about the division between body and mind – a topic it’s comforting to know, I won’t summarize in this piece. What has struck me most intriguing is the Freudian perspective that consciousness and physique are naturally unified from birth, because bodily growth necessitates emotional evolution and vice versa. The newborn’s physical sensations – such as the physical sensation of hunger – motivate consciousness to develop the ability to identify hunger as a sensation that is alleviated by a feed; and the emotional comfort and satisfaction repeatedly brought by feed after feed supports the young mind similar to the food fuels them bodily. Likewise psychological experiences – for instance the wish to rise and reach for something, and the persistence to attempt repeatedly – are why and how the body develops power. Since infancy, our physical and mental selves are intertwined in mutual development as unified as a double helix.

Yet It’s become clear, during therapy with my analyst, that my mind and body may exist in a different kind of relationship – a more separated and increasingly manipulative. My mind can use my body to store and express elements that my psyche considers unacceptable or unbearable. In my sessions it emerged that exist specific feelings that I am afraid I can’t handle; in place of experiencing them mentally, I subconsciously push them into bodily form, becoming trapped as bodily signs.

I often had this as indigestion – not connected to food intake, but acted as a form of corporeal reaction of the sharper sentiments I couldn’t digest in my mind. This was not an intentional act, but after it was introduced to my attention through therapy, and my anxiety and sensitivity and rage and terror became palpable and articulated in place of transformed into bodily feelings, it disappeared. I rarely suffer with digestive issues currently.

The most severe episode I endured this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for multiple consecutive nights. I believed I was forfeiting my sanity. I went my doctor, who scheduled multiple examinations and assessments, but no issues were found physically wrong. It was a different physician who told me that the root may be mental. My therapist agreed. I was surprised, but I recognized it was accurate.

Whenever someone is suffering a physical symptom, it can be upsetting at the suggestion that it may have a mental root. It can seem like disrespect, the idea that their symptom is imagined. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – some face their pain discounted or incorrectly identified. But in some cases it might be that the bodily signs are real – certainly – and the source is mental, the inner mind employing the body to manifest emotional hurt or fury or whichever sentiment the mind is unable to bear. Sometimes, we might assume our feelings matters solely only through expression as bodily symptoms. We continually disrespect our minds personally, in social contexts and as a culture; how else can we allow the shocking reduction of psychodynamic psychotherapy through health services?

My experiences have revealed that an improved existence cannot be created when we are stuck without realization in modes of connection, inside us and socially, that originate in devaluation, manipulation and dealings. These interactions are often easier to identify “out there” in broader culture. It’s perhaps more challenging to reflect on where they come from, and to recognise these patterns inside us and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our psyches.

However it’s valuable to continue. After donning my jogging shoes back on post a long hiatus, venturing out not for physical improvement, or to escape an emotion, or to beat a personal best, {it